Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
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My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.