Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
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ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Try and stop me.
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
Mormon cats have 9 wives.