I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
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grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
An amish party in the desert called churning man.