[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
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good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Yes
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.