“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
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ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
The pasta is now
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.