Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
You Might Also Like
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring