I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
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Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity