My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
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Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are