Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
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Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names