my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
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Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
The Weeknd is back
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.