My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
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How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky