If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
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when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.