Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
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THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Trying
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us