Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
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[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
Guys, I found it.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.