You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
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Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.