[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
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Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.