I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
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*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.