2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
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From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.