You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
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Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
the official breakfast of 2021
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Cat.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.