ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
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* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Ken is short for chicken
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Golf would be better with landmines.
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.