The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
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Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
hi why am I like this
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too