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– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
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my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold