PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
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Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?