I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
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You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day