Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
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Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.