Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
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Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
When you can’t find your friend Neil