I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
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Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Mornin
#Caturday
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man