Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
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[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
You are not alone 💚
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”