Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
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I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
When you’re Kinky but poor
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.