it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
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A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead