Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
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(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music