The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
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[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
A bold strategy
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”