7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
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11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
For a good party trick, drill a hole in the top of your medicine cabinet and fill it with marbles before you invite people over.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?