Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
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Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
I cannot call her anything else now
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
This could be us but you eatin’
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.