Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
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If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a ghost writer
ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My dating profile:
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”