Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
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BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
*has no idea what a book even is*
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.