when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
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Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.