Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
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So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Life cycle of cat
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it