Lmaoo 😂
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In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.