My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
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Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?