The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
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My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
I am patiently waiting for your email
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
he chose this
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
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we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.