Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
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Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
was Jim off killing horses or…
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.