Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
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All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane