There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
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Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop