UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
You Might Also Like
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
The Birdles
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
The only time I’ll care about Basketball:
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Greeting humans vs their dogs