blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
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I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
A man of commitment.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume