I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
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Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
This headline is a thing of beauty
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.