Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
You Might Also Like
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My friend is an excellent librarian.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.