Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
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The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
*orders delivery*
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
*seductively peels off lederhosen
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜