never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
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Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.